You have the right to remain pissed off!

So, I have realized that the middle man is more than a money sucking leech that feeds off working class citizens writing loans to pay loans. Yes, it's taken me quite some time to figure this out despite my Business Management degrees and informed business sense that developed before birth. But, this comes all to late because I'm actually used to working for myself. Yes, you heard right...I was my own boss and then I decided to actually work for a boss. I'm starting to believe I just live in a circle of complicated self inflicted disasters. Hard to imagine that at the young age of 28, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Now that I'm done blowing your mind with something that completely oversees the metallic metaphor of working for peanuts, I shall tell you why I'm in a disillusioned rage.

I'm a Lead Sales Associate of a store that is currently bring in 1/3 less in net sales than Wal-Mart with 10,000 stores around the U.S. I started out enjoying my job to the fullest and learning a lot behind the business market that I never knew existed. My first day that I used my keys I felt like I was a part of the building foundation of my future for the first time ever! Some heavy stuff there, huh? Yeah, well anyways when the Head Store Manager puts in their 2 weeks notice to step down and go back to their original job; you know that it's not good news the rest of the way. So they are now part time whatever at the store and working this other job while we are without a head manager. Still all good running at the store, but we are literally scared to see what happens next. So, two weeks ago we get notice that the old manager is coming back to run the store and that's all we know. UNTIL NOW! This manager is coming in full force putting us down as employees and people. Apparently we are so lacking in our jobs that we must be lazy as individuals in our own domains. Right?! Exactly what I was thinking. Now, I understand that some changes need to be made within the store because Corporate feels this store of ours has lost sales. That's understandable. Since man has learned to count and realized that currency is worth more than air, money makes the world go 'round. But, here's the real kicker. If you understand anything about employee rights and labor laws and factor in store policies, you'll be able to foresee where this Lifetime movie will end. Corporate gives you a set amount of hours for you to work with and if anybody goes over those hours, the next schedule has to have cut hours out of employees schedules in order to give Corporate back those used hours. With me so far? Good. Now, there is a Store Manager (head manager), an Assistant Manger (back bone to head manager), and Lead Sales Associate(otherwise known as 3rd Key)-which is me. I am considered to be the 3rd manager. My responsibilities are great, but limited. Well, as managers you're hours are guaranteed in order for you to keep your title and remain full time employees. The Store Manager is on salary so there's no need to fret there. But, as a full time employee you never expect anything wrong to happen with your hours, right? Wrong! While all these changes are being made, so did my hours. My schedule next week only adds to 2 days of work which equals 10 hours. That's right, that's not even part time. 

So, I'm steaming right now like an over worked freight train and wondering what my next step is. Should I stay or should I go? I am the only one working for my family which is 6 people! I live in small town where jobs are scarce and if you want what you are worth, you have to travel 2 hours...just to get there! I'm wondering if I'm just ranting for nothing, but hey who cares...this helps. I have so many qualities and love to learn, so why is this such a problem? I'm angry because nobody is really being honest as to what is going on right now and we're are all wondering if we are going to end up with pink slips. I say bring on the pink slips, I've earned my unemployment. I feel yet again that I'm being fooled. And I don't like to be made into a fool. Looks bad on you, but worse on me. 

So, now that I have written all this out, I'm really tired of thinking about all this. I bought some wine chillers last night and even though it is only 12:30 noon, I feel right now is a good time to enjoy. Hell, I have all weekend off for the first time since taking this job, I should take advantage of it.

Customers Are Like Two Year Olds

You always hear that men are like 2 year olds', but you would never think that customers are toddlers. Within a year, I've gone from being a Preschool Teacher to a manager at Dollar General. And I have to say, my customers are less tamed than what my students were.

I understand being in a rush when you come into the store for something. Or being side-tracked when your child is begging for a toy that they desperately do not need. But, is there really an excuse for you not to put that body wash that you decided against back where it belongs?

Yes, we are all guilty of second guessing that pair of leggings and looking to see if anybody watches while we "secretly" shove it where we think nobody will find it. And yes, it seems like it's just a miniscule thing that every shopper does...but seriously...IT'S ANNOYING!!! Especially since I'm the manager picking up after your butt!

As a manager there is the perk of higher pay than what my teaching job provided, however, it does not have any perks other than dealing with more drama than a facebook addict. Not only do I have to make sure my employees do their jobs, but I come across a number of customers who feel 'entitled' to act a fool because they are spending money in my location. And for the record...NO YOU DON'T PAY MY BILLS! CORPORATE DOES. YOUR MONEY THAT IS BEING SPENT PAYS FOR MORE MERCHANDISE! Yes...I've dealt with one of those customers. Can you believe the audacity that people have just because they can flip a $20 onto the counter?! Oh and let's not forget my most favorite customer...the grandma who cussed me and my cashier out because we asked for her driver's license when she wrote a check. It amazes me still to this day that people have yet to grow up or remember a certain lesson called manners. Not to mention that I've seen more people walk in higher than Donald Trump's ego in the month that I've worked there than the years that I was a teenage drug dealer (a whole other story). 

I love my job, I actually do. But, to run into someone for 5 minutes and I have this impression lasting in my train of thoughts scares the be-Jesus out of me. I mean first impressions are everything and yes they suck to bits, but is that really what you want to leave me with? Letting your child destroy the toy aisle because your conversation on your phone about the black peep toes are just oh so exciting, or coming in with such a bad attitude that you make Mike Tyson look like a little bitch, or and here's my favorite; throwing a fit at my register because I regret to inform you that we no longer carry a product. WOW!!! Two year olds'. Yeah.

But, I must say...you do give me and my cashiers' something to talk about. :)

What I've Learned in Therapy

In books there's always a beginning, a middle, and an end. That's how I perceive life to be; with the exception that the middle never seems to stop and you never really see the end.

The beginning of my book has turned out shitty with a few good chapters and the middle; well it just seems to never stop with one disaster or failure after another. But, my in-between seems to be a story that only I can tell to certain people. But, not today. I've decided to share with all of you.

What's your fondest memories of your child hood? Think about the best thing that ever happened to you or how you felt with your favorite toy. Now, imagine all of that being torn apart by your worst nightmare.

My mother tried her best, she really did, but she should've seen the warning signs instead of sweeping everything underneath the rug. I think the thing that haunts me the worst is what my mother 'didn't' do. She didn't protect when I was raped at 5 years old from my babysitter's son, she didn't listen when I protested all of the guys running in and out of our lives, she called me stupid when she found out I was cutting myself, she didn't stand by me when I gave up my daughter.

My middle chapter seems to just scream, "Help Me!". But, nobody will or can. What am I doing so wrong that these things keep happening to me? Why can't I ever seem to be happy? I truly think that life is what we make it, but what if you can never seem to get your head above water? Are you really to blame if you stay depressed? My thoughts are never ending and keep side swiping me like a mack truck that just jack knifed. I think that I finally make sense now of my world and finally move on. I've had to learn that you can't open one door without closing the other. You have to see past the bad to realize that for every bad occurrence, something good happens. You may not notice it at that second or even a year down the road;but eventually when you can smile again; you will know. I've learned a lot in therapy this past year. I've also learned a lot from just growing up. Eventually, I know that I will be able to write a chapter where there's nothing but good things will happen. And to be honest: I can't wait.

Before I end this, I would like to review a few things I've learned:

• Don't be scared to open the door to your past. It holds the answers to your future.
• Learn to forgive, even if you can't forget.
• Step up to responsibility, even if somebody has made you feel a certain way. You've allowed them to break you down and only you can bring yourself back up.
• There's always room for editing. You may not be able to rewrite your past, but you can always write a bright future.
• Always be honest, lying never solves anything.
• And last but not least; You're not crazy. Everybody goes through a hard time. But, it's the ones that change that succeed.

And that my friends, is what I've learned in therapy so far. It's great advice and we don't usually realize how the simple things make sense. But, just remember: EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We may not know that reason or ever will, but just keep on trucking.

Every Story Has a Beginning:Prologue

Small Summary of my Vague Begninning

I don't know when I realized it, but I always knew. I was different from the rest. I saw things in a different way, I spoke in a different way, I felt things in a different way, and I've always done things in a different way. However, my being different came with the un-announced fact that I never felt like "me". I always felt like I was supposed be somebody else. Hell, for the longest time I tried to get my mom to legally change my name.
My world basically fell apart around me since the day I was brought into this hell hole. The stars were not aligned for me to succeed and there was no silver spoon waiting to be picked up. I was born to be a fighter and a survivor. But at what cost and to who?
I don't remember my father, my parents divorced when I was 2 years old. My mother and her boyfriend moved me from Detroit, Michigan to Memphis, Tennessee. Jay, that was her boyfriend's name. He was daddy. Even my father approved of him to be daddy. He was in the Army and I remember plenty of times we traveled to Fort Campbell to welcome him back home. And the whole celebration would end with us back home in Memphis at my Mema's apartment celebrating his return home safely once again. We were family; laughing, fighting, talking, and loving. But, not for long.
I don't exactly remember the day I realized that Jay left and wasn't coming back. But, I do remember the sound of my heart breaking and my mother's cries that she thought I couldn't hear. At 7 years old, my family fell apart once again. All I could do was stare at the apartment door wishing he would walk back through it. (Sorry, had a slight nervous breakdown) But, that door stayed shut. For a couple of years anyways.

Men came and went, all of which tried to buy me to keep my mom. They knew I was going to be trouble the first time they laid eyes on me. "My daddy is coming back for me and my mommy. So don't get used to it." "Oh really.", they would say. Yeah, I was a you're-dating-a-mom-with-a-brat orginial terror. I never liked them, I only liked what they brought me. I even had a bright idea that if I started destroying the things they bought me that maybe they would think that I could destroy them. But, I guess I wasn't very convincing...to some at least.
Maybe that's when I realized that I wasn't who I was supposed to be. That there were two sides of me. And no matter who I pretended to be that day, I was gonna get my way. I was a mommy's girl that was already turned away at the day of conception and in knowing that, I knew it was always going to be just the two of us. And I was determined to keep it that way. So, whenever they got too close...I showed my fangs.

Oh yes...I remember now. At the ripe young age of 7, I discovered that I could be someone else and I was. I just didn't know her name yet.

Brandy★aka★ Evie